I don’t know why right now, but this question of am I good enough–am I doing a good job has been waiting right underneath my conscious thought waiting for something to poke it so it can jump out and attack me again with doubt and fear and insecurity. Recently it seems like lots of things have come that have made me wonder if I am even still cut out for this job anymore.
Part of the problem is that I feel like I have to justify myself at work much more than I ever have before. I feel like each action I take is one more way that I am saying, "Look I actually am working and doing something important" But in doing that my focus is coming off of what God wants me to do and becoming more about what I think certain people want to see me do.
Then of course when I start to feel like I am not doing a good job instead of working harder I would rather just run away and hide and working becomes a chore.
I guess this is just one more phase of my cyclical life, but I will be happy when this one is over. I can’t believe that after all of these years I still can’t separate my own feelings of self-worth from my job performance.
Why is this poem still true about me?