I don’t know when I lost it, but our little “greatest place to work ever” church just isn’t much fun for me right now. And I think that most of it is my fault. Am I the only 33 year old who is still waiting to grow up and be a better person?
I still have major issues with performance and basing my self-worth on what people like me and what people don’t. So if there are people who are frustrated with me I find myself wanting to just run away to a corner and hide or just ignore things altogether. I tend to choose to act like nothing is happening to keep this feeling that I am not good enough at bay.
That is the question that haunts my life. “AM I GOOD ENOUGH?” And so I find myself running from people I should be running towards and avoiding things I should be trying to fix. I look at people that I have messed up with and think “It has been too long, anything I do now will just seem silly” or worse those people will reject me and make me feel even worse.
I keep hoping that one day I will actually believe in my heart of hearts what I know in my head that God loves me and that is enough, but right now I feel like I did back in the 7th grade when I had to play scales for Mr. Tucker the next morning but I couldn’t sleep because I knew that I hadn’t practiced and he was going to be disappointed in me. I mean come on after 20 years am I still 13? Am I still that messed up on the inside?
But with all of that, with all of the struggle that is going on inside of me, there are some really cool things happening. The youth group is thriving, (even though there are some key people that I am trying to keep from falling away). I have had several people comment about the stuff here at Nailscars.com (which btw is how God has encouraged me more times than I can count) and tonight out of the blue a girl who used to be part of our group sends me a message and say that things just don’t seem to me be making sense right now so she wants to get back to church. She has been away for a while, but God has never stopped pursuing her. How cool is that!