I know it has been a while since I have regularly updated this site, so I am very thankful that people still come and find help here. Nailscars.com was always designed to be a place where people (me especially) could speak honestly about the struggles that face Christians and ministers in particular. Last week I got this honest letter from a reader and with her permission wanted to share it here. Sometimes just hearing that someone else has similar thoughts and struggles is enough to help us through to the other side of them.
I have loved and followed God all of my life but in the recent years, like a plague or cancer, slowly my faith has deteriorated and at times seems lifeless. my heart is fixed on serving God, loving His people, bringing life into this dying world, but amongst all of that, somewhere along the way I lost my balance. Maybe its from trying to hold it ALL together. I truly don’t know. But what I do know is that my heart is aching for change. My heart is longing for His grace. My heart is aching to know Him like I once did when I was a teen. I was on fire. Nothing and NO ONE could tell me anything that would cause me to question my belief in Him. Each day it seems to suck the life right out of me. Trying to do the right thing, be the light, to help, to hold others up, but inside I am dying. Dying to feel Him again. There are times that I feel the peace that I KNOW that only He could provide, but those times are numbered. What happened to the girl that no one could shake? The girl that no one could change. Granted, I had my days of a painful past that still echoes through each day, but what happened to the childlike innocense of just talking with Him? I just miss Him. I just feel that I have lost His love for me somewhere along the way and nothing seems to resolve my issue or pain. To not understand Him is one thing, but to fear that He has gone or never was, just devistates me.
If you are in a similar position take heart. God has not forgotten you. The creator of the universe, the creator of you, knows you and loves you. More than that when He thinks about you (which according to David in Psalm 139 happens more times than there are grains of sand), when he thinks about you, He smiles. Remember that, hold fast to that, and let the rest take care of itself.