Let me start this post by saying that I don’t need advice. I know all of the possible responses and the last thing I am looking for is a 4 step program to making things better. I’m also not looking for people to stroke my ego, or try to cheer me up. This is a post about what I am feeling right at this moment. It is different from what I felt yesterday and it will be different from what I feel tomorrow, but right now this is where I am. I am very hesitant to write about it (as you can see from all of these caveats) but I think it will help someone who is also feeling this way.
Have you ever lost your vision for why you are doing any of this stuff? Have you ever looked at what you are doing and wondered if you really were making a difference, not in some superficially way, but in a deep life altering way? Have you ever wondered why you were working so hard to be so mediocre? Have you ever lost your passion for ministry and found yourself seeing your position not as a privilege, but as a job? (By the way I know a bunch of you out there don’t do things you love, but I have always been excited about what I do, and it feels weird to be going to work–not getting to work) Have you ever felt like you were taking the safe way out? Have you ever felt like you wanted to do more, to find something greater, to be a part of God’s huge story, but you just couldn’t see beyond your own small narrative? Have you ever looked around and thought "Is this really my life?" Have you ever wondered when you stopped being real and started trying to be what people expected you to be? Have you ever felt like you had lost something really valuable and you couldn’t seem to remember what it was, much less how to get it back? Have you ever felt like there was something more, something greater, but you just knew that you couldn’t get out of your own way and really let God lead you into that, because you were determined to do things that you could control, that you could be in the lead of, that you knew were safe? Have you ever looked at your life and realized that nothing you do in ministry terrifies you anymore and that you have gone as far as you can imagine? Have you ever realized that you have lost your vision?