Meredith and Nathan were away this weekend. (Nathan stayed away from Momma and Daddy all night for the first time on Friday). I had a chance to be by myself, which I love, and get some work done.
But today I found myself feeling lonely. I started looking around and realized that for the first time in my life I don’t have a whole ton of people that I hang out with. Ever since 10th grade my house has been a place where people just come and hang out. It was that way in high school, and that way in college. Now that I am living in Eufaula, and now that I am a pastor, things are different.
Part of that is because now all of my friends are adults and as such they have lives. Part of it is that most people don’t stay up till 3 in the morning like I tend to do (one of the cool thing about keeping a baby is that babies take naps). Part of it is that I haven’t found the adult nerds in this town yet. Most of the people at my church are more along the lines of the sports nuts, NASCAR fans. I can’t seem to find one other adult guy who will debate with me about who would win in a fight Spiderman or Batman (Spiderman would totally win btw).
But added to those small things is the fact that I can’t seem to get out of “pastor” mode when I am with people from church. It isn’t like it changes me much, but I always feel like I am performing to a certain degree. The fact that these people, whoever I am with, pay my salary just is a subtle small thing that lives in my brain and keeps me from just relaxing.
Tonight I had a chance to talk to my sister about the final Harry Potter book and kids and a million other things and I was reminded of what it was like when there was a large group of people who came over every night to just watch TV, to play Mario Kart, and discuss everything from comic books to predestination. And I know there are 100 teenagers who would love to hang out with me, and I love hanging out with them, but ultimately I will always have to be the “adult” when I am with them, and for those of you who know me that isn’t a role I play naturally.
I don’t know why I am posting this here. It just seems like I am feeling sorry for myself, but something about today made me realize that I need to be more active about finding people to share my life with. Meredith is amazing. She is my world, but there is something different about guy friend.
I am terrible about keeping in touch with people. I am terrible about trying to plan things and getting up off my butt to do things. But today, I don’t know, today I feel lonely, and I want to see if I can fix that.
Of course probably next week I will feel totally different. By next week I will be desperate for some alone time again, but tonight I am feeling what I am missing.
So what about you guys? Is working in churches a lonely job sometimes? In my experience with other ministry people it seems like it is. Let me know what you think.
(O and I am not like uber depressed or anything so I’m not really looking for advice. I just wanted to share what was going through my head today.)