Mad at God

I talked a bit in the last post about my crazy life. Well, this week has been harder than most. One of my ex-youth (she moved to another city) went to the doctor for headaches and they found a brain tumor. I was pretty upset about the whole thing all week—mostly I was upset with God. I have to admit that my prayer times where more like time with me yelling at him followed by a desperate plea for him to come through and work. I felt like the guy whose son had a demon saying “Lord I believe help my unbelief” only backwards. I was pretty upset with God about the whole situation. Here is a little from my prayer on the day I found out that will give you some idea where I was

Here I am again trying to figure out if you are really who you say you are. Here I am again trying to figure out why you work, or don’t work, the way that you do. I understand that there may be a bigger picture. I understand that there may be something I can’t see, but from my perspective this just looks wrong. I mean, can’t there be some other way than letting Liz Pittman have a brain tumor. I mean come on. What in the world is up with that? God, you really do need to let us in on some of this big picture stuff or something, because it keeps getting harder and harder defending you. I mean, when people say that you are a mean God I’m the one that has to speak up for you. Will you ever speak up for yourself? I’m tired of worshiping you, tired of telling people about you if all they can expect is the same chances as everyone else at not getting wiped out.

So I was dealing with those emotions for most of the week. Even yesterday when I drove up to Atlanta to see her I felt that way. But last night I was spending time trying to chill out a bit, just sort of playing guitar and working on the 6 Flags song. I felt like it was missing a bridge or maybe a tag on the end so I got to playing around with some chords and lines. Then I hit on something simple, just repeating the phrase, “God You are God” as a little added refrain before heading back into the chorus.

As I was singing this over and over trying to get the right chords the reality of what I was saying really started to come home to me and I began to cry. Here was the truth that I had been railing against all week. God really is God, and there is nothing I can do about that. Since He is God and I am not then I have to trust Him, even when I think what he does really sucks I still have to trust him, for 2 reasons: 1) there is no one else to turn to and 2) he is God so he knows better than I know. Last night was one of the most pure worship times I have had in a long time and it turned my perspective back to a place where it needed to be.

As a report Liz came through surgery fine and they feel like they were able to get all of the Tumor out. They also feel like the tumor was benign so things look good.

3 thoughts on “Mad at God

  • August 3, 2005 at 12:16 PM
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    Shane,

    I know what you mean, but I think you are missing the perspective. God has already saved his people. He’s already done that job. We are sinners, and the whole universe groans as a fallout to our sinful nature. God doesn’t cause tumors, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen. They happen because we live in a fallen world. The price has already been paid for Liz’s eternal life, if she is a believer. Our lives are but a vapor, a whisp of smoke that disappears as soon as it is seen. Whether we live to be 16 or 116, what is that in light of infinity? No one wants to see a teen with a life-threatening illness, but it’s part of the world that we live in. That’s OUR fault, we messed this world up, not God. God fixed it by providing salvation to all who accept him.

    As for being mad at God…do you really want fairness from God? Isn’t that why we get mad, because we feel that we, or someone we care about, has been treated unfairly? Do you really want a God that treats us fairly? Do you want fairness? Do you want justice? Do you enjoy reading Romans 3:23? Because that’s fair, baby. Grace, on the other hand, by definition isn’t fair. It’s extremely unfair. Not to us, but to Him. We don’t earn it, don’t deserve it, and can’t demand it. But he’s given it to us anyway. I personally am pretty happy about God being unfair, otherwise we’d all be in a serious world of hurt. Literally.

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  • August 5, 2005 at 9:58 AM
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    I was struck by your words that “last night was the most pure worship time”. I have realized this as well. When I am distressed and can’t get through to God and can’t focus on the kind of literary oration that mimmics the kind of prayers I hear recited in church, I sing. And when I sing, I feel God so near. It is, for me, the best way to pray.

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  • August 8, 2005 at 2:43 PM
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    Hey bro, Remember me? Been a long time. I just ran across your blog today…for some reason I did a search for “Clete Sipes” just to see what was out there and it brought me to an old post of yours. I read that one and then read this more recent one and thought I’d post a thought.I have to say that I have been pretty angry at God too, sometimes. When Clete was diagnosed, then when my dad died in a bizarre car wreck (two years ago on 8/3)…I was pretty mad then and pretty apathetic about spending time with God for quite a while. Now I’m a philosophy/theology student, so I think about these kinds of questions quite a bit. I could come up with all sorts of answers that defend God by explaining the reason God made or allowed all this pain to happen (kind of like Andy did above). Some of those I find helpful…but not all of them…and none of them seem to work all the time, at least to me. The most helpful thing for me is to think of it like this (this is not an original thought, by the way): Now I’ve got a 9mo old son. When he was just a few months old, we took him to get his vaccinations…and they hurt…pretty bad I imagine. Now I don’t think he had any idea why we were putting him through all that…in fact, I don’t think he COULD have had an idea, i.e. he could not understand my reasons even if I told him. I think everyone would agree here. Now the point: the cognitive difference between me and God is probably a lot bigger than the difference between my son and me. So I have to wonder…would I expect to even be ABLE to understand all God’s reasons, even if he told me? I think that it is very likely that I would not. And this might have been just what Job was confessing at the end…”surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” Anyway, this has helped me. Just trying to pass along a little encouragement.

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