Mad at God
I talked a bit in the last post about my crazy life. Well, this week has been harder than most. One of my ex-youth (she moved to another city) went to the doctor for headaches and they found a brain tumor. I was pretty upset about the whole thing all week—mostly I was upset with God. I have to admit that my prayer times where more like time with me yelling at him followed by a desperate plea for him to come through and work. I felt like the guy whose son had a demon saying “Lord I believe help my unbelief” only backwards. I was pretty upset with God about the whole situation. Here is a little from my prayer on the day I found out that will give you some idea where I was
Here I am again trying to figure out if you are really who you say you are. Here I am again trying to figure out why you work, or don’t work, the way that you do. I understand that there may be a bigger picture. I understand that there may be something I can’t see, but from my perspective this just looks wrong. I mean, can’t there be some other way than letting Liz Pittman have a brain tumor. I mean come on. What in the world is up with that? God, you really do need to let us in on some of this big picture stuff or something, because it keeps getting harder and harder defending you. I mean, when people say that you are a mean God I’m the one that has to speak up for you. Will you ever speak up for yourself? I’m tired of worshiping you, tired of telling people about you if all they can expect is the same chances as everyone else at not getting wiped out.
So I was dealing with those emotions for most of the week. Even yesterday when I drove up to Atlanta to see her I felt that way. But last night I was spending time trying to chill out a bit, just sort of playing guitar and working on the 6 Flags song. I felt like it was missing a bridge or maybe a tag on the end so I got to playing around with some chords and lines. Then I hit on something simple, just repeating the phrase, “God You are God” as a little added refrain before heading back into the chorus.
As I was singing this over and over trying to get the right chords the reality of what I was saying really started to come home to me and I began to cry. Here was the truth that I had been railing against all week. God really is God, and there is nothing I can do about that. Since He is God and I am not then I have to trust Him, even when I think what he does really sucks I still have to trust him, for 2 reasons: 1) there is no one else to turn to and 2) he is God so he knows better than I know. Last night was one of the most pure worship times I have had in a long time and it turned my perspective back to a place where it needed to be.
As a report Liz came through surgery fine and they feel like they were able to get all of the Tumor out. They also feel like the tumor was benign so things look good.