One of the biggest struggles in my life is learning not to live in the opinions of others. Of those opinions that others have of me I think that the biggest one would be do people respect what I do. I don’t know if it is a father issue, or maybe just a self-esteem thing, but I feel like I am constantly worried about whether or not people think I am doing a good job.
So I am in the exactly wrong job. My official title at church is Associate Pastor. Under that there are several areas that I am in charge of, some of which I do well, some of which get handled after everything else gets handled. (Hey that is how it goes when you have too much to do and too little time to do it). I have been at my church for nearly 10 years now, so it isn’t like I am the new kid on the block. But for some reason, for some of the people I am nothing more than just the guy who plays with their kids.
So I get in this “I deserve” mindset that is so far from where I should be, but I can’t seem to find my way out of it. I look at what I do at my church and not only that and the supposed role that I have and I start to think of what I deserve. I think I deserve to be treated as if I am a pastor of my church. I deserve at the very least to be kept in the loop. That “I deserve” mindset gets inside of me and won’t let go some time.
Of course in reality I deserve nothing. I have been granted a set of skills and a time and a place to serve God and those are gifts beyond my wildest dreams. My God has chosen not to give me what I deserve and instead to give me grace, amazing grace, and more blessings than I care to name.
I know those things, but sometimes it just helps to write them down so I can remember, and if to some people I am just the guy who plays with the kids I can live with that because there are some pretty amazing youth at my church and I am honored to be a part of their lives.